i'm a shitty nut case.

i'm a spiteful, irritating, snappy sharpshooter, hormonal imbalance crazy woman.

i'm a goner.

i really duno wat the hell is wrong with me. The past week has been helluva rollercoaster ride. With me acting like a timed bomb, exploding at ppl for little things. I shoot and i hurt. Gosh!

I'm angry at my bro for getting a new girlfriend and having her spent the night without even a formal introduction.

I'm mad at my parents for always siding with him and show such obvious and digusting favouritism right under my nose and don't care about my feelings.

I hate that I always have the 'obligation' to do this do that and not being appreciated for things i've done for them.

I'm upset that everything seems to be not in my way.

I'm upset that things are changing so fast and I can't seem to be in control.

I hate changes.

I hate changing.

I hate not being able to control my emotions. I hate not being appreciated.

I hate the way my mum always say one thing but do another. Whenever, my bro say something, she'll jus agree and let him do whatever he wants. Why is she so unfair?

I need help.

I think i'm having a quarter-life crisis.

If anyone happened to find self-help books or articles on 'How to manage stress', 'How to deal with changes', 'How to improve self-esteem and interpersonal relationships' and what-nots, PLEASE TELL ME!!

God, I need help.

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i've developed a love-hate relationship with school and homework.

On one hand, i have extreme distaste for school because of all the workload that is piling high every week. I have to perpetualy equip myself with a spade to clear off that mountain high of readings and tutorials.

I hate it.

There seems to be no end to it and i seriously wonder if all the supplements that we're required to read will come out during exam.

And for your information, all of my course modules are open book.

Now, is that good or bad news? Sceptics like me would think that this is another of those conspiracy with the school and professors to "killing me softly"..

And besides, how much can u refer to during that 2.5 hr of paper? Even if you brought your entire archive of notes in, i doubt you can finish the paper when u finish rummaging through it to find answers. And it'll suddenly daunt on you that the answers can't be found inside the notes coz it's OPEN BOOK! Why do you think the school is so nice to let u take notes in to the exam hall? THey would of course set the paper such that it's totally IMPOSSIBLE to find any traces of answers inside.

Applause for the victory of their conspiracy. Hurrah.

But sometimes, I think i'm crazy. I can actually laugh and find it enjoyable to read my notes some times. I think at that point of time, I've become somewhat a dimwit/sadist.

I would really like to pore into my thick skull of mine and investigate the true motivation behind my endless studying.

Maybe because I'm afraid to lose. It feels good sometimes when you know you're ahead of others and you can glee inside your head that, hey, i'm faster than you! hah.

Ok, i know, this is all the self-ego boosting that's causing me to be like that. But i'm just so afraid to lag behind my peers. And i know i have a bad habit of freaking out when i'm stressed, which is mostly due to unfinished readings and more tutorials. So to alleviate such circumstances, it's best to maintain consistency in studying.

But it gets boring sometimes, and you'll see me lamenting on sch again here, talking nonsense and blabbering on Blogger...yadda yadda...

Oh, how i hate school...

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I used to have this little fantasy, that I would want to get into a relationship with a bad boy.

Definition of a 'bad' boy:

Someone who's unconventional, radical, likes to do things that not normal ppl would do or condone (not like drugs or any crimes).

Just living out their own dream, doin things they like, not caring about how others may view them, not caring about how the others judge them.

A bad boy like this. Plus a ear stud, some tattoos, rides a bike, heck care about life, just wanna live their life to the fullest...yadda yadda..;)

I guess every girl has this kinda of little dream/fantasy, to be with someone that's totally way off your contemplation and totally rocks your world.

Don't you? ;)

I had a major crush on my cousin's boyfriend's brother when I was in secondary school. He's the kind of 'bad' boy that I would want to be with. Well, just for the sake of the kick and spice in life.

He's cool, tall, a little skinny physically, smokes, plays pools, did badly in school and stuff.. Which is the total opposite of me then. I was this everyday convent school girl, who goes to school and go back home everyday diligently, do my homework, study for tests and yearn to be with the
kind of 'bad' boy you see on tv. hah.

And on the Christmas of 1999, I met him.

It was like a 'love at first sight' kind of attraction. Prolly coz he fits almost perfectly into my description of a 'bad' boy.

At the age of 15, I was totally besotted.

But as you can see, nothing came out of it because what's in a fantasy will always remain as it is. We came from different backgrounds and totally different mindsets.

I'm just a plain old next-door-girl and he, a school drop-out and heavy smoker.

Can't imagine the image of both of us together. hah.

I even wrote a love letter to him. gosh! can't believe i actually did that. All thanks to my cous who was 'encouraging' me to express my feelings for him.

He, of course, rejected me. I guess he felt that he would only ruin me if we were together.

I wonder where he is now.

I'd like to be a 'bad' girl someday. You know, skipping school for a week and go on a short holiday by myself, drinking beer in the morning, riding a bike with micro-minis and black leather boots...

woohoo! that would never happened, I'm sure of it. ;)

But I think everyone should let themselves go once in a while. Doin things that are unconventional, that challenges the normalcy in society.

Just do whatever you like and don't care what others think. For awhile.

I guess you would find back the youth that you once yearned.

Never mind if you're 20 or 50.

It's your life.

Just live it the way you want it.

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I wasn't as keen as 4 years ago to catch this year's Athens Oympics 2004.

But nevertheless, I was inspired by the spirit exhibited by some of the players.

I maybe disappointed with Susilo for losing the match to Ponsana but I still admire the way he fight and the immense stress he was under during every tournament.

Can't be help when you are the one who can bring hopes to all Singaporeans of a possible medal. Never mind if you lose, you've shown great sportmanship and perserverance, and I think as long as you've given your best, you've done a great job.

I feel that everyone of us is competing in Olympics in our own way.

Our Olympics could be everyday challenges and obstacles we have to face. Be it big or small, we must always have good sportsmanship and endurance to fight back.

We musn't be daunted what's in front of us. Instead, we should brace the storm like all atheletes in the Olympics to move one step closer to realise our dream.

Sometimes I feel that i've lost my sense of direction in this quest for true identity.

But I know that I mus be true to myselfand even if I fall, I shall stand up and continue to fight again.

I guess that's the spirit everyone should have.

For a better tomorrow.

Cheers!

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sadz.....Ronald Susilo didn't manage to enter the semis for Men's Singles....:(

Was so upbeat when i heard that he managed to surfed through the first 2 competitors and one of them was the World No 1 seed from China!!

but it's the cold hard truth. Singapore will never materialise the dream she has been harbouring since the only medal was won 40+ years ago.

I was still full of hopes when Susilo managed to be in the quarterfinals. I was thinking it was one small step to victory.

But as I watched him play on the tv, i could see that he's under immense pressure and he's totally worn out.

Probaly because he wasn't just physically tired. He was also mentally tired. All Singaporean's hopes were on him to possibly clinch a medal back and let everyone triump in that victory.

We were so close. Yet so far.

Nevertheless, I really think he has fought hard. He still has another Beijing 2008 Oympics to go. I'm sure he'll bring back one shiny piece of gold next time.

You go Susilo!

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sometimes I really felt quite upset when i can't even speak more than a sentence to my brother.

He's really busy, multi-tasking with a part time financial planner job and coping his final year of studies.

But sometimes, I really hope he could just squeeze some time out for me and my parents.

I realised that whenever he has free time off his work and school, he would immediately go out and hang out with his friends.

yah, Friends than Family.

I can't blame myself for blaming him coz seriously, sometimes I feel that he deserved to be blamed.

Or could I blame the humane genetics of male species? I think most males are sort of, ya noe, more withdrawn from the family, and they're less emotionally attached to their loved ones. Is it true?

My parents are understanding that he could take care of himself now and proud that he's doin so well in his job, but i think deep down inside, my parents hoped he could have stayed and accompanied us more often.

Mum always comfort herself that when her children grow up, they're bound to leave them one day. It's not as if I don't agree but i feel that no matter how high and far u fly, there's always a special place in ur heart for ur family isn't it?

i don't know.

I find myself becoming like this jealous girlfriend of my bro. hah. i find it embarrassed to say but i would find myself throwing tantrums or simply ignore him when i felt that he has neglected me. I guessed he realised it and would somehow chat with me for awhile, asking me abt my school and stuff but i find that he's trying too hard.

I think my boyfriend or friends are even more concerned about me.

I envy some of my friends who have such close relationships with their siblings. Isn't it nice when u know that you have someone at home whom u can always count on and share things with?

I wish my brother realises that this kiddo sister of his really hopes for his attention sometimes.

I wish he knows.

Somehow.

Sooner or later.

I hope.

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little did I wonder how my previous entry could spark so much concern from my friends, I've probably struck a chord with some of them i guess...;)

but it was really relieving after I finished that entry becoz I've been cooped with these feelings for a very long time.

Perhaps I feel that i could not control my future, that's why i felt that my future is goin to be one in which I would have many regrets.

Or like wat my fren said, maybe i should just expect less with those material wants, like having a luxurious condominium and stuff...

Well besides that, I hope to live like a person, someone whom I always want to be.

Someone who embraces challenges and find that on the other side of the road, lies her fruits of labor.

I need to shape some realistic images as my goals in order to achieve that.

For now, I think I jus want to graduate.

And then I'll probably just do whatever I want, like getting another degree of my interest (i'm sure I'll noe wat are my interests by then), travel around, go scuba diving or maybe open a shop of my own!

If Singapore isn't the ideal place where my dreams will take me, I guess I'll have to find other places that do.

I believe my future is within my reach and like what Pam said, my passion will come to me when time comes and then my life will never be the same again.

I look forward to that day.

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i suddenly feel useless....

duno why, seems like friends around me are all doin so well in their league or field of studies, makes me feel so inferior beside them..

i'm just a very normal undergrad at NTU, struggling everyday to finish reading my notes just for the sake of reading it....

what else can I do besides studying? I really duno what else am I capable of...seriously.

i feel that all of them seemed like they have a specific purpose in their life and they know what they're doing right now and what will they be doin in future.

i don't.

i studied Accountancy becoz of elimination. I can't do science, arts, literature, language. Wat's left? Accountancy n business.

And accountancy is supposedly the better choice of the two coz it's provides much better prospects than biz grads. wat the hell. I chose it becoz there was no way out.

So here I am, trying hard to make myself appreciate what I'm studying now. Trying hard to accomplish my readings, tutorials. Other than that, what else is there in life?

I find no meaning right now, only aimlessly buzzing around, desperately trying hard to graduate in 2006.

I'll then prolly get myself a "no-day-no-night" job like auditing or accounting. Slog my guts out and earn that money to pay off my study loan, den save some money and hopefully can take a Masters of something I'm interested.

Then again? What interests me? Public relations? Human resource? I duno.

Then i can forsee myself getting married at 26/27, and start the whole vicous cycle of slogging again jus to pay off my house loan, car debts, misc and utilities bills, insurance for my kids, allowance for my parents and in-laws.....

and at an age of prolly 50? I'll prolly sit down on that old rattan rocking chair by that luxurious condo balcony of mine, of which i've slogged for 20 years jus to pay off that stupid house loan, and reflect on what I've really achieved in half a century of my life.

Only to find that this ailing old woman rockin' in the chair has achieved nothing at all. NOTHING.

well, u can prolly said that at least I brought up my kids and have a roof over the top. Yeah, that's gonna be my ONLY achievement. hah.

oh well, i'll probably still have this blog when I'm 50. God knows if they Blogger has enough capacity to put my 30 years of entries in their database.

I hope I go to heaven.

Peace.

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Happy National Day peeps! :D

er, not like I'm trying to act patriotic or wat but National Day=holiday to everyone mar....hee ;P

but poor me, down with flu and sore throat...started since thursday, took some flu tabs and drank Robitussin but it doesn't seem to be getting better...in fact, I've got phelgm that's green color now!! *pukes*

so most of the time I was at home, armed with a box of tissue paper and trying desperately to finish all my readings for next week!!! gosh, it reall seemed like a neverending journey man! always so happied when i completed one chap, only to find out there's still more to it....sianzzz -_-"" hey those in NUS and SMU, your term is starting soon liao, so no more playing around and get down to business!! den u guys will noe the agony i'm in already....(except Huimin who's term only starts like Oct in LSE lo....*envy envy!!* )

sighz, so means I din really have a holiday coz I din really get to go out....apologies to Ugin coz he kept complaining that he was super bored at home but I was feeling so miserable that I couldn't go out with him....I'll try to make it up ok? *muacks* :D

Happie~~~ found out that tom lessons only start at 1030am coz there's no lecture at 830!!! haha can finally sleep later liao, have been trying hard to adjust myself to wake up at 6am but still fine lar, got to appreciate the beautiful scenery and nice fresh air in the morn! :)

*aaachooo!!* paiseh, kept on sneezing...guess I better go drink lotsa water liao, been nagged by Ugin that I don't drink enough water....he's even more naggy than my Mum! =P But i noe that he cares lar...thankiew sweetie!!! ;)

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gd morning!!!!! er i mean gd afternoon!!! haha :P

slept until 9am this morn, so nice.....mus be the medication i ate last nite...had stupid flu and sore throat but i still wan to eat chilli!! hee :P can't do w/o it leh...everything seemed pretty tasteless w/o it...:D

anyways, Daddy drove us back to Ang Mo Kio Ave 10 to eat breakfast..duno why he went there too, supposedly got more variety of food there...BUT it sucked!!! eeww!! we bought a chwee kuay that has very weird taste of chai por, and the beehoon was tasteless, ham chin peng was too floury.....aiyah it's really v bad lar, should haf gone to the hawker opp St. Nicks there, the food there is so much better man! :)

den we went back to old house wet market to do some shopping and $100+ jus flew away on food and groceries!!!! haha, Mummy and I always can't resist whenever we went back coz the stuff are relatively cheaper and more variety!! ;P

Before we came home, Daddy drove us to the Marina Country Club right at the end of Punggol. WHOA!!! din noe it was that big leh~~ they haf a dock for those yachts and boats and got those seasports centre too! it's a country club itself and the environment there is great! can see the sea and trees, very relaxing..think evening would be better!

oh btw, anyone interested in goin for wakeboarding? It's at the Marina Country Club and the shop is called Ponggol Seasports Acessories....they charging $70/hr for one boat which can accomodate 5 ppl. So means it's around $14 per person and roughly 12 min of wakeboarding...but can extend some more lar since it's cheap!!! :P Interested pls tell me hor! Plan to go during Saturday on the first weekend of Sept hols....:)

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weeeeee!!! :D

daddy rented car from NTUC carcoop so we have been driving here n there, fully utilising the car!! hiakz! ;P he sent me to school for the chi drama production rehearsal (which was q a waste of time coz they spent like 2.5 hrs doin make up???? lucky i brought my notes there to read :P ) and then we went to Clementi to eat the famous claypot rice!! (it's opp CLementi mrt stn, blk 328, go try if u're near there! but need to wait 45min during peak hrs, so best to reserve a pot first! :)

after that we went Ikea to look for a small comp table to put my lappie and printer....found one that is not bad lar, cheap also, $69 only and below can put printer also....:)

lucky got car so we jus had to lug it from void deck to our house....but spent almost 1 hr trying to assemble it!!! gosh! din noe it's q hard and the instructions manual don't seem to be very helpful and daddy kept skipping some steps coz he said can jus fix it lidat one....:P manage to fix it up by 12mn lidat~~

time to sleep le....so tired.....nitezy!!

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phew!

finally survived the 2nd week of school. There's only one word i could think of that describe this week. HECTIC.

yup, it's super hectic. With the implementation of seminar style of pedagogy, the tutors (or seminarers? ;p) are flooding us with piles and tons of notes!!!! Gosh! We've been buying and zapping and printing almost $20 worth of notes already! That's about 400 pages!!!! *gasp!!*

pay so much school fees liao still ask us to print so much, really wonder why they can't provide all these for us right at the start of the sem so that we don't have to always check on the sch system if they uploaded already. Sometimes they can upload like 11pm at night when I have a class at 8.30am in the morn lo. I'll already be asleep man, how am I suppose to know that there are notes??? grrr.

anyway, I received email from Hall 12 hostel officer that I was allocated a room there....Was kinda surprised that I could get a room lar and it was sort of my 2nd choice if i couldn't stay back my previous hall coz Hall 12 is the nearest to NIE, which is walking distance to the classrooms too, unlike hall 8-11 lidat, all hafta take a feeder one...

but then again, I was already so prepared to travel from home since I din expect myself to get a room...and heard that it'll prob be noisy there coz they're building new hostels beside Hall 12...sighzz, i also duno if I should take it, I scared it'll be really hot and i duno my new roommate, and i'll be so tempted to go online ever so often....sianzzz :(

hafta reply by 10th Aug but 9th is a hol so i'm only left with tom to check in liao else they'll give up the place to someone else....should i stay? it'll be $160 per month too...and I'll prob wanna get a fridge and buy a big fan so that it won't be so stuffy...sighzz...

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had wanted to go to the gym at Bt Gombak stadium but it was closed for staff briefing until 4pm...sianzz...so went to BBDC instead to book my Basic Theory Test!!! hee ;P i finally got down on doin something, have been talking abt it but no action done. But now see so many of my friends learning/passed already, feel gian to take too.. :P

had wanted to take the motorcycle licence one but parents dun allow....oh well, think i'll only get the motorbike licence when i come out to work ba...use my own money den no one can object liao lo!! hee :D

sigh, stupid tutor never reply my email about the readings for tomorrow's seminar...sianz, think i just read wat's stated on the notes liao....

gotta go le, no time liao!!!! *panic*

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I had a very long and sad dream last night...it was so real that when I woke up, i thought it really did happened to me...*shudders*

I dreamt that I was preparing for my own wedding when i realised that my groom had become someone else's husband!! (This may seem nothing to some of you, but it was really very real, as if it were my future!! :( ) Gosh, i was even invited to their wedding and forced to witness the entire wedding. And during the wedding, I was called to sing a duet with the groom and initially, I was still trying to act I'm okay and totally cool about it, when suddenly, they flashed powerpoint slide show of pictures that we used to take together!!! oh man, it's so real that i began to bawl and cried my heart out....i was really very upset and i couldn't believe what was goin on!!!

And later I rushed to the toilet and suddenly i dreamt that i began to take a shower (???) and was wiping soap all over my body, while I asked a guy fren of mine to wait outside the toilet for me, holding on to my handphone. And i remembered I called my parents to come and fetch me from the wedding place but they haven't arrived yet...... And i continued to cry and cry, and can't believe wat was happening and then I was told that the groom had prepared to read a speech which was about me, and I din wan to go but somehow people came and ushered me once more back to the ballroom or the stage....and I could hear him say all those things we used to do and stuff and I couldn't control and cried again...could feel my heart beating faster and like all wrenched up and stuff....it was really very very real...

I really wonder what does this dream mean or issit just a dream? But like they used to say, 日有所思，也有所梦...could it be becoz I was feeling scared or threatened now?? I really duno....But it was the longest dream I had and it lasted from the time i closed my eyes to sleep until this morn when mummy came to wake me up!!! Gosh, and I felt so tired when I wake up coz when u dream, your brain is still supposedly still functioning and not resting, so that's y when u dream, u don't get to sleep at all!!! sheesh.

I hope this isn't some kind of premonition or something because it's really too real and I don't think i can handle such a blow...

I know you love me alot.

I know you'll always will.

Thank you my love...

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